Recovering perfectionist

I remember being a kid and hearing people say I was a perfectionist. It was usually with an admiring tone regarding my grades or schoolwork, though it’s possible I just didn’t understand what that meant, because I was a kid. Maybe it wasn’t meant as a compliment at all. Nowadays, if someone called me a perfectionist I would not take it as a compliment, simply because I have spent years trying to overcome those tendencies. I like the term recovering perfectionist because so far, those tendencies haven’t entirely gone away. I also loved in Adam Grant’s book Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things he also refers to himself as a recovering perfectionist! Resisting the impulse to be the best, be perfect, and never make mistakes is something I have to work on a lot. Some days are easier than others.

In particular, I find that writing lends itself easily to perfectionism. The drive to craft the perfect sentence, to edit a manuscript again and again to the point that the words turn into one big blur, the constant questioning: Is it good enough? Am I truly finished with it? Will anyone like it? Is it actually garbage? These are all pressure points for the perfectionist. I’m generally eager to start working on a new book once I have the idea, but inevitably the self-doubt creeps in and I start wondering not only will anyone like it, but is it as good as the last one I wrote? Probably not! is the answer I’ve started giving myself. And that’s okay! The point is to put those blinders on and keep going.

When I was writing The Turncoat in Carrington Park, it had been years since I’d finished writing a book, much less publishing one. I questioned myself nonstop. I fell into all those negative self-talk traps, saying things to myself that I would never say to someone I didn’t like, much less a dear friend. Most of this was rooted in perfectionism. The idea that if I didn’t get it exactly right the first time, I had no business doing it. I don’t know the exact definition of perfectionism, but in my experience it’s less about achieving the perfect outcome than it is about the immense pressure I put on myself to get something right from the first attempt. This is ridiculous! And I know it’s ridiculous! If someone gets a new skill perfectly right on the first try it’s probably a fluke! Plus, the obsession with always getting things exactly right on the first attempt sucks all the fun out of basically anything. It’s hard to relax and enjoy yourself when all you can think about is the scoreboard.

There is joy in being an absolute beginner, in learning something totally new from scratch. It gives you respect for the people who have already have that skill, usually hard-won from years of practice, and it’s humbling. Now that I have children I have a brand new appreciation for being an absolute beginner, because I see them learning new things every day. I would never berate them for mistakes the way I berate myself, or at least the way I’ve berated myself in the past. First of all, that would be cruel, and second, it would kill their desire to learn anything new at all. So many times while I was writing I would tell myself that even if nothing ever came out of this, at least one day my kids would be grown and could say, “Well, Mom tried something!” That is its own accomplishment.

The way I personally beat back my perfectionism with writing is by telling myself, “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t even have to be great. It just has to be done.” There is time for editing later. This isn’t brain surgery. No one from NASA is depending on my writing to launch a space shuttle safely and successfully. I’m writing books. I’m an entertainer. Framing my writing that way has been so helpful and truly valuable for silencing the (mostly made up) noise in my own head. Typos are going to happen, and it is okay.

Do you struggle with perfectionism? What strategies have you implemented to help yourself relax and not treat writing or other hobbies like a life and death situation? (If you’re not a perfectionist this might sound outrageous, so I’d love to hear your relaxation strategies too!)